


Tergiversation

by Digi_Heart



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-13 17:55:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19256242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Digi_Heart/pseuds/Digi_Heart
Summary: Tergiversation: 1) the act or process of subterfuge or evasion; 2) the abandoning of a cause or belief; apostasyKeith is the best at avoiding his problems. He's even better at abandoning his friends when they need him the most. Maybe Keith should change that. Starts at season 2, episode 1.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is my first multi-chapter fic, so I'm a bit nervous. In case you didn't know, this is actually an adopted fic! The original belongs to Hane no Zaia from Fanfiction.net. I adopted this fic a year ago, but I never got around to completing it until now. I have the chapters written out already, I just need to make some minor edits to them.
> 
> This fic is kind of short, and should only be about 3 chapters long.
> 
> Updates should be every Monday.
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy.

Tergiversation:

1) the act or process of subterfuge or evasion.

2) the abandoning of a cause or belief; apostasy

-o0o-

The impact must have knocked him out; that's Keith's first thought once he comes to in an alarmingly silent cockpit. In his latest recollections, the controls had been full of blinking red lights and other warning signals. Given his headache, the silence comes as a slight relief. Granted, the relief is decidedly short-lived; a surging panic soon replaces it as Keith launches for the controls.

Nothing happens.

Trying to stave off panic for a while yet, Keith forces himself to calm down; the earlier movement has jarred injuries he didn't know he had. Although the situation is already likely FUBAR, Keith has no wish to add a punctured lung to it. Staying alive will no doubt be hard enough without one after all, especially if‒

He takes another breath, this one controlled, now perfectly aware of the cold sweat assembled on his brow. On a positive note, he doesn't seem to be bleeding anywhere. On the other hand, internally‒

_Don't think about it_ , he mentally berates himself, even though it is a legitimate concern.  _Just focus. Calm down._  
  
Again, he recalls Shiro's words:  _Patience yields focus._  In doing so, Keith also recalls Shiro himself.

However, for all that Keith would want nothing more than to set out and track Shiro down, Keith must first determine the severity of both his own condition and that of the Red Lion. Even in his current state, he frankly worries more about the latter.

It takes a while, a long while.

As the silence drags on, Keith becomes increasingly aware of his own sounds; of his heart pounding in his ears and the echoes of his shallow and not quite regular breaths. Then finally, he hears the Red Lion in the back of his mind and slumps back into his seat.

"Sorry," he sighs, carefully mapping out the state of his ribs now that the most immediate concerns are out of the way. "It was pretty stupid of me‒ I really should've‒ ugh‒"

A quiet rumble interrupts him. In spite of the pain, Keith smiles.

"Thanks. But‒" He heaves himself up. His right wrist protests a bit but at least there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with his legs.

"We have to find Shiro," he says.

Judging by the sound from it, the Red Lion isn't entirely keen on letting Keith out; he picks up on the reluctance as the hatch opens.

"Don't worry," he groans, appreciating the concern despite everything. "I'm just going out to have a look."

-o0o-

Keith stands beside his fallen Lion, squinting in the sharp sunlight.

It seems like they've crashed into some type of rocky canyon; alien, yet not entirely unlike those back home.

Keith greets the seemingly barren landscape with initial relief, then dread. After all, though there are no signs of immediate civilisation and thereby risk of getting caught by the Galra forces, the barren landscape also indicates a lack of the kind of resources that they are likely to need in the imminent future, like water and something that could pass as sustenance.

"So," He licks his lips; the air is so dry that they are already starting to crack, "what do we do next?"

The Red Lion doesn't answer.

Instead, there is a gust of dry wind at his back, foreboding. Keith turns and looks, really looks now that his eyes are slowly adjusting to the brightness. "Oh shit," he curses, setting off in that direction.

Keith isn't running; he's more like hobbling off in direction of the visible scorch marks on the mountain wall. Going by the feel of it, he should definitely have stopped to treat his ribs first. For now though, dread and desperation overpowers the pain, because over there, he can clearly see‒

"Shiro!"

The Black Lion lies silent and still. It looks relatively intact but‒

It probably takes him just about ten minutes to cross the distance in reality, even though it feels like an eternity in itself, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other, forcing himself to breathe even though his lungs (his side, his throat, his eyes) are burning.

-o0o-

 

**The part above was written by Hane no Zaia from Fanfiction.net, with some minor edits on my part. The rest of the fic onward has been written by me.**

 

He's panting heavily by the time he reaches the lion, but he does not stop. He can't afford to. Instead, he peers into the Black Lion's gaping jaws.

Shiro isn't there.

Panic is the first thing to set in. He doesn't know where Shiro is. Shiro could be dying right now, and he wouldn't know it. But he can't afford to panic now.

_Breathe_ , he tells himself. That's what he has to do. First, he has to find Shiro. That's all that matters.

Keith looks back to the Red Lion. It sits, tall and proud in the distance. He can spot it from here, so Shiro must have seen it too. He must have gone somewhere back over there. Or tried to, since it's clear that something stopped him.

Not too far away, Keith hears the sound of claws scraping against dirt, and a faint snarling noise to go with it. He whirls toward it, startled. A muffled groan filters through his ears, and that's all it takes before he's running again.

He comes to a halt, only because the ground abruptly disappears beneath him. A few loose pebbles are knocked off of the edge.

Down below, he sees what looks to be saber-toothed lizards. Even from his view up here, he can tell that they are large and intimidating. Keith squints his eyes. They seem to be cornering something. But upon further inspection, he sees that it is not  _something,_ but  _someone._ There's a tuft of white hair. It's Shiro.

Shiro is staggering to his feet, but it seems as if all the energy has been drained from him. He's barely fending off the creatures as it is. It won't be long before they gain the upper hand.

Keith is about to jump down and help, but a sharp pain in his ribs stops him. He's not going to be much help, at least not in the state he's in. At this point, all he's going to do is become a liability. Neither Shiro nor the creatures have noticed him yet. Before their eyes can glance up, he hides.

Minutes tick by. His strength is draining away. He needs to figure out what to do. He needs to get Shiro and get out of here. He's never been one for a plan, but even he can see that he doesn't have much of a choice right now. Shiro's not going to hold out much longer. And if Keith can't help, he knows that there's one Lion that can.

Resolve strengthened, he goes as fast as he can back to the Black Lion. Although it doesn't seem to be active, it's in fine condition. He enters the lion, sits down, and grasps the controls. Sweat trickles down his forehead. He doesn't know if this will work, but he has to try. Keith closes his eyes.

"Please," He speaks out loud, and his voice rings out in the silence, "I need to help."

Nothing. He opens his eyes. There is virtually nothing that connects him and the Black Lion. He is Red's paladin, not Black's. He could never be Black's. He's not cut out for this. His body throbs in pain, and his pulse races. His grip on the controls tightens in frustration.

Then, something clicks inside of him. He can almost hear the words,  _patience yields focus_ , from sometime long ago. All these years and those words have never ceased to provide that same comfort, that same calm that he felt the first time he heard them.

"If not for me," he says, placing all his hope on nothing, yet everything all at the same time, "then for Shiro."

As his words echo, he feels a shift in the air. He can sense a thrum of power, strong and supportive, yet tender and caring at the same time. It's working. He can feel a connection, weak and temporary, but a connection nonetheless, forming between himself and the lion. It's not permanent, it's not very strong, but it doesn't have to be. Their minds become one, and there is only one thing that matters: help Shiro.

Black raises its head.

A roar sounds out in the air amongst the sea of fighting, although at first, it is barely registered in the confusion. Shiro is cornered, and looks like he's on the verge of collapse. Another minute, and he will become food for the creatures. Not on Keith's watch.

Keith maneuvers Black to stand protectively in front of Shiro, and Black lets out a roar. Black dominates in size alone, and Keith knows the battle is over. Black's paws swing left and right. It's really Black who's doing all the work; Keith's still getting used to the controls. Black's movements aren't the same as Red's, and the controls don't feel right in his grip. But it doesn't matter as long as Shiro's safe.

When the rest of the creatures have run off, Keith gets out of the lion. Shiro is still sitting on the ground, looking up at the lion. He seems like he's thinking about something. Keith stops in front of Shiro and offers a hand. At that, Shiro seems to snap out of his apparent daze and smiles at Keith.

Keith pulls Shiro up, and the two of them look at each other. Shiro is probably assessing Keith's wounds. Keith is doing the same thing to Shiro. Shiro doesn't look like he's in good condition. He's breathing heavily and is covered in sweat. The scratches on his side have ripped a hole in his top and are glowing purple. Shiro needs medical attention, but they don't have the supplies for it.

"Come on," Shiro says. "Let's go get our lions."

The lions have enough power to make the trip, and soon, the lions are sitting next to each other, deactivated. Keith and Shiro sit near the Black Lion. Shiro looks as exhausted as Keith feels. Keith doesn't bother hiding his concern as he glances over at him. They just need to wait for rescue. If rescue is even coming. The "sun" is beginning to set. The splash of magenta and gold almost reminds Keith of the desert. Almost.

But if this place is anything like the desert, it will begin to get cold soon. Keith would like nothing more than to stay and rest, but he gets up anyway.

"I'm going to go look for something we can use for firewood," he says. Keith's not actually sure what he's hoping to find. As far as he can tell, this place is barren and empty. Shiro looks skeptical, too.

"We should probably stick together," Shiro says.

"I don't want you to aggravate your injuries further," Keith says. "Besides, someone needs to keep watch. See if anyone's coming." Shiro still doesn't look placatated.

"Hey," Keith says, quietly, "I'll be back soon. If I can't find anything, I'll head back." Shiro finally nods, even though he still looks concerned.

"If you're sure." Keith's not sure, but that's besides the point.

Keith wanders the area, trying to take stock of his surroundings. He can contact Shiro with his comms anytime, so he's not too worried. He walks for about twenty minutes before arriving at some cliffs. Sighing, he decides to give up. They'll just have to live with the cold for a while. Keith's feet are planted dangerously close near the edge of the drop-off. Peering down, he can't see anything besides darkness. He's not sure how deep it is. Keith turns around, not really wanting to find out.

A growl sounds in the air. Keith's eyes widen and then narrow, searching the premises for the source. It comes out from behind the rocks soon enough.

The lizard is huge up close. Its body is a dull purple, as if it's been sucked of color. Its eyes, however, are bright red, and they're completely focused on him. Large teeth protrude out of its mouth. It stalks closer. It could pounce at any moment now. Keith pulls out his bayard, forming his sword, but he is in no shape to fight. His ribs are aching, and the stress of the day has left him weary and exhausted. But Keith doesn't have a choice right now.

Not willing to wait, Keith takes the element of surprise and charges forward. The lizard steps back, but Keith's sword connects in one quick swing. The lizard recoils, and Keith doesn't let up. He needs to end this quickly, so he lets out a barrage of attacks. He's slowly pushing the two of them away from the edge. But even though his hits are connecting, they don't seem to be doing a lot of damage. Keith has always relied on his speed, not his strength, when he fights, but that doesn't seem like it's helping much as of now.

But Keith is used to fighting people bigger than him.

The lizard tries to take a swipe at him. Its claws flash in front of Keith's face, and Keith's eyes widen instinctively. The attack is faster than Keith is expecting, but he recovers and dodges the attack just in time. Normally, Keith would be able to take more damage, but with the state he's in, all the lizard needs to do is land one solid hit to knock him out. The thought is sobering.

Keith darts around the lizard. Now the lizard is the one cornered. He would prefer not to kill, but he's not above doing it if he has to. Somewhat recklessly, he tackles the lizard head on. They are edging closer to the cliffside now. Keith bends his knees and launches forward, his sword swinging out and connecting with the lizard's middle. It lets out a shriek of pain and begins to fall backwards.

Keith pants with exertion, thinking that the fight is over. It's a rookie mistake, one that he'll beat himself up for later. The lizard's eyes snap open and it hisses. Its tail flicks out and catches Keith in his side. Keith lets out an involuntary cry of pain as he's pulled forward. His feet leave the ground, and now they're both falling.

Keith closes his eyes and allows himself to be swallowed by darkness.

 

~

 

_Keith is angry all the time. He's angry at everyone around him, he's angry at the world, but most of all, he's angry at himself. He knows it's his own fault that he's here. He tells himself that it's unfair, that it's not his fault, but rings hollow each and every time. If he could be more likeable, more normal, then there wouldn't be a problem. But there is a problem._ Keith  _is the problem._

_He had tries to be good at first. He knows he can't control his temper, so he tries to bottle it up instead. Now, he is quiet unless provoked. But when he is provoked, his fierce temper will flare up and scare off anything and anyone that tries to get close. And Keith is provoked. A lot. People bother him, annoy him, and make fun of him all the time. It's sad that while Keith can recall most of the insults he's received with startling clarity, he can't remember a single happy moment in the he's spent in foster care. The noise fills his head and everything is too loud. So when he wants people to just stop_  talking,  _he'll lash out without thinking about the consequences. It gets bad enough to the point where everyone starts giving him looks every time he enters a room. Keith will pretend that he can't see the wide berth that everyone gives him, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore._

_One time, Keith goes a whole day without talking. It's astonishingly easy. When someone talks to him, or asks him a question, both of which are rare occurrences, he ignores them. It garners some looks of confusion, but for the most part, no one questions it. Not talking makes his life easier. But it makes him miserable. Being silent is better than getting angry, sure, but at least when he is angry, he is feeling something. But that day, he feels nothing. And that scares him. When he closes his eyes that night, he sees his father's grave, lonely and sad, as dark clouds hang overhead._

" _Why can't you do anything right, Keith?" the emptiness chides._

I don't know _, his unsaid words echo back._ I don't know _._

_Keith opens his eyes. He doesn't like sleeping much anymore._

_But Keith had grown too angry and bitter. If the world had given up on him, then he would give up, too. On most days, he is torn between angry rebellion and bitter silence. As if anything he did would change things._

_Then, Keith meets Shiro. He is the first one who doesn't give up on him. Keith was all-too familiar with people pretending to be nice to him. But that was just that: pretending. Keith could see the disappointed looks and sighs they gave him when they thought he wasn't looking._

_At first, Keith is convinced that Shiro will eventually leave. He's learned not to expect too much from other people, so he remains closed off and silent. He tries his best on simulators, sure, but that only makes him more angry, especially when he's forced to work with other people. They're all reminders of what life has dealt him. Or what life hasn't dealt him. Most of his classmates are here because of money or grades, but neither of those things can ever make up for skill. Keith is the best in the class, and everyone knows it. But with his background, where he comes from, it won't matter._

_His grades are average, at best. He's not stupid, by any means, but he's never been much of a test taker. He has no money. The only reason he's here is because of Shiro's recommendation. It feels like a dream, except he knows he's going to wake up soon. And he doesn't want to indulge himself in illusion. He doesn't want to lie to himself. All he wants is the cold, hard truth, no matter how much it hurts. He refuses to live in delusion._

_He messes up that day. His brash and impatient nature takes over and he charges ahead, heedless of the others. He causes everyone to fail. The class is glaring at him when they all stand to attention. But he keeps his head high, even as a faint sense of guilt churns inside of him. He messed up, so what? All they have to do is try again._

_Keith is already tense and on edge. He doesn't know what to expect, and this scares him, although no one can tell from his stoic expression. It's not as if he can fight his way out of this one. He keeps up his poker face as Commander Iverson shouts at him, and tries to maintain it as James begins to rile him up. But, as with most things, he fails. In the end, James's remark is what sets him off._

" _Is that what mommy and daddy told you‒" His hand balls into a fist and the rest of James's words dissolve into nothing. The words "mommy" and "daddy" ring in his ears and repeat like a broken record, as his heart stutters with the beat. Then, there's a hot flash of anger and a swift punch to the jaw. James is down on the ground, and everyone is staring at him like he's a monster. Again._

Mommy and Daddy _, the words don't go away._

Why can't you do anything right?

I don't know.

_Keith sits outside the office in a little plastic chair, dejected and tired. Now that the adrenaline is fading away, he is left alone with his thoughts. The silence is deafening. Then, it is broken by the sound of footsteps. Keith looks up and sees Shiro. Shame rises in him, but he quickly shoves it down. He doesn't have the energy to force anger in its place._

_Keith speaks before Shiro can. With resignation he is unable to hide, he tells him that he should be sent back to the home. Clearly, this place isn't for him. Somewhere along the way, he had ceased making eye contact. But when he looks back up, all he can see is understanding in Shiro's eyes. It's genuine._

_And then Shiro declares that he will never give up on Keith. No one has ever told him anything like that before. Shiro has to be lying. But he sounds sincere. Keith's shifts fully to stare up at Shiro, confused. Keith doesn't know it just yet, but these are words that he will cling to for comfort many times later on throughout the years._

_Eventually, he learns to trust and even rely on Shiro. And when he looks into Shiro's eyes, he still sees the same honesty that he saw so long ago. Maybe Keith can even start to believe that he himself is worth the effort._

Then again, maybe not _, he thinks as he stands in front of the large monitor, the words "Kerberos Mission Failed" flashing across the screen._


	2. Chapter 2

Keith opens his eyes, but can’t see. As Keith struggles to a sitting position, he fumbles his way blindly in the dark. He feels dazed and not in his right mind. How far down has he fallen? How long has he been out? His injuries throb painfully. He had been trying to ignore them before, but it’s clear that his fall has aggravated them. Something trickles down his neck. He’s not sure if it’s sweat or blood.

 

How is he still alive?

 

Keith looks around him, as if an answer will appear out of thin air. It is then that Keith realizes that he is not alone. A large body lies next to Keith, it’s dark shape unmoving in the shadows. A lizard? Keith wants to back away, but finds that he’s too tired to move. Keith takes a few minutes to work out what happened. As he thinks, the lizard doesn’t so much as twitch. Whatever happened, it’s obviously dead.

 

He remembers faint memories of a struggle, and then falling. He fought a lizard, this lizard, and then they both fell off of a cliff. The lizard must have broken his fall. Keith is still too drained to even process his luck. His brain moves from one thing to the next, almost methodically. 

 

_ Where is Shiro? _ He wonders vaguely. Keith realizes that he may have strayed too far from Shiro and the lions. He may not get a rescue anytime soon. The situation is beginning to look more and more bleak and hopeless, so he tries not to think about how inevitable his death is. 

 

His jetpack has been damaged even further by his fall. When he tries to test it, the jetpack sparks and sputters before giving out with a puff of smoke. Well, there went his last means of escape. He brings his fingers to the side of his helmet, but his comms also sputter and die. 

 

Keith clenches his fists. He can’t stay here. He has to keep moving. He has to get out of here. Keith looks up. The sides of the cliffs loom over him. He wouldn’t be able to scale the sides even on a good day. But if he keeps moving, he might be able to find a way to higher ground.

 

He picks a direction and starts walking. Because of his blackout, he doesn’t know which direction the lions are in. He could be getting farther and farther away from them, and he would never know.

 

His eyes have started to get used to the dark, but Keith continues to stumble. His injuries ache dully, but he pushes the pain to the back of his mind. Shadows flicker past his eyes. He’s seeing things.

 

What little energy he’s managed to muster is beginning to wane. He limps along, using the wall as a guide in the dark. He’s never let something like this stop him before. He can’t stop now.

 

He hasn’t felt this way in a long time, he realizes. Not since he’s joined the team. With the team, he’s never had to wallow in his thoughts like this. They’ve always made at least some effort to include him. Keith has never liked being alone, despite how standoffish he appears. Because if he’s alone, he has time to think. And his thoughts have never been good. 

 

He hasn’t been truly alone like this in a long, long time. 

 

Helplessness crashes over him. It’s what he has felt night after night in his lonely shack in the desert, except this time he has no shack and no goal to remind himself of.

 

Suddenly, a dark shape appears in front of him. It’s in the shape of one of those lizards, but it’s covered in shadows and a little blurry. Keith squints his eyes. Has his vision gone fuzzy? Keith stops walking and stares. The lizard stares back unblinkingly. Yellow eyes glint in the dark.

 

Keith hasn’t spent too long observing these things, but he’s pretty sure that these creatures are supposed to be bigger. Instead, it looks smaller and younger. It doesn’t seem to be traveling with any other lizards. Maybe it’s alone, too. 

 

Clutching the wall for support, Keith counts to ten very slowly, waiting for an attack that never comes. He stays still, panting. Then, the lizard opens its mouth and Keith recoils apprehensively.

 

Why can't you do anything right, Keith? It's mouth is moving, but no words are coming. Keith blinks very slowly, uncomprehending. 

 

Then, Keith closes his eyes and looks away, suddenly feeling very dizzy. He pries open his weary and exhausted eyes with effort, but his vision has gone dim. Keith tries to take another step forward, but he stumbles and the ground rushes up to meet him. He doesn’t get back up. He hears a lion roar, and smiles faintly. He closes his eyes.

 

Keith swims in and out of consciousness. Somehow, he’s lying on the smooth, hard floor of the Red Lion. Red had come to get him, and with it, a sense of deja vu fills him and gives him a faint pang of nostalgia. Red always seemed to be getting him out of scrapes. As Red lands next to Black, Keith’s vision begins to clear, and he starts to get his energy back. Wearily, he tries to stand up, but ends up falling right back down again. Red comes to a stop, and it's not long before he hears the thudding of footsteps that get closer and closer. Strong arms grab ahold of him and a concerned voice asks him if he’s okay. 

 

_ Shiro _ , his mind supplies sluggishly. He helps him up, and together, Keith and Shiro make their way out of Red. Shiro helps him over to where he’s set up a fire. Keith's eyes never stray from the scratches etched in Shiro’s side. Both of them sit down, exhausted, but alive. 

 

“What happened?” Shiro asks, voice still filled with worry.

 

Keith pauses, trying to remember what exactly had happened, and then says, “I . . . fell. Off of a cliff.”

 

Miraculously, Shiro doesn’t press, although Keith suspects that they’ll have words about this later. Instead, Shiro says, “You're hurt.”

 

“So are you,” Keith responds, near instinctively. What a fine pair they made. Now the both of them are hurt, exhausted, and barely capable of defending themselves. They are sitting ducks. 

 

This is all Keith's fault.

 

_ Why can't you do anything right, Keith? _

 

“How are your wounds?” Shiro asks quietly, breaking the silence that has fallen upon them.

 

“They’re fine,” Keith says, and doesn’t elaborate, mostly because he’s too tired to and he doesn’t want Shiro to worry. He still feels pretty out of it, and the fall he took seems to have worsened the injuries he’d already sustained. While he hadn’t taken on the full brunt of the damage, he knows that he still took on some of it, judging from the even sharper pain in his ribs and continued throbbing of his wrist. Shiro doesn’t look like he believes Keith anyway, but still doesn’t push. Then, Keith decides to turn it around on Shiro.

 

“How are  _ your  _ wounds?” Keith says back to him, but all Shiro does is wryly crack a joke back in response. Keith knows it’s bad if Shiro has decided to bring out the morbid humor. Keith narrows his eyes, but says nothing. At least Shiro is actually telling him something.

 

Despite his best attempts, the pain that he’s been trying to hide is beginning to resurface. He’s been sitting up stiffly this whole time. Surely he can afford to slump down at least a little bit. He’s about to do just that, when he is alerted to the sound of Shiro hissing in pain. He whips to face Shiro and makes eye contact with him. He must look panicked, because Shiro moves to reassure him.

 

“I’m fine,” Shiro says all too quickly. 

 

“Hang on,” Keith says. “We’ll make it out of here.” Keith’s not sure if he’s lying or not. He doesn’t want to think about it. He figures that the conversation will end there, and that they’ll probably just lapse into silence. But Shiro’s eyes meet Keith’s once again. 

 

“If I don’t make it out of here…” Shiro starts, but Keith interrupts him.

 

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Keith closes his eyes and turns away as something cold settles in his stomach. He already knows what Shiro is going to say. But he’s wrong about Keith. Keith doesn’t have what it takes to lead. The only reason he’s here is because of Shiro. Shiro is the only one who has faith in him. It’s clear that no one else has faith in him, not even himself. 

 

And if he really wants to be honest with himself, there’s another reason why he’s refusing to even consider the possibility of himself being leader. He won’t let Shiro die. He’s already had to deal with Shiro leaving once. It’s not going to happen again. Keith would rather make the sacrifice himself than go through that pain again.

 

And besides, it’s not as if Shiro  _ wanted  _ to leave.

 

Well, when they’re rescued, Keith won’t have to think about this anymore. Shiro would never abandon him. 

 

Of course, none of this stops the tiny sliver of doubt that lingers in his mind.

 

~

 

_ The wooden table is littered with empty cans and wrappers, remnants of yesterday’s meal. He sweeps the trash aside with his hand and lays a map flat on the table. His eyes search the map until he finds what he’s looking for. He sticks a red marker on the spot. It’s where he spent most of yesterday evening looking. For what, he couldn’t really tell you. It’s something he knows, something he can feel.  _

 

_ Or he could just be a lunatic running around aimlessly in the desert. Whichever one worked. _

 

_ His face sets in determination as he takes a quick swig of water from his canteen. Today, he’s not going to eat for a while. He has work to do. _

 

_ Looking for a source of this energy has given him a new purpose. It keeps him busy, giving him something to do. The alternative would be to waste away in the desert heat, lifeless and dead to the world. So he can’t give up. For Shiro’s sake. Shiro would never give up, so he can’t give up, either. He feels confident today. Maybe something will turn up. _

 

_ When he returns later that night, he tosses his bag down in frustration. He crashes down onto the couch and puts his head in his hands. Pains of hunger assault his stomach. His mouth is dry. His head pounds. If he sleeps it off, he’ll be fine.  _

 

Patience yields focus _ , one thought runs through his head.  _

 

_ But the louder part of his brain wonders,  _ Why can't you do anything right, Keith?

 

_ Even after all these years, he still doesn't have an answer. _

 

_ He pulls the white sheets over him and tries to get comfortable. Something howls outside. Unconsciously, Keith clenches the sheet a little tighter. Even in all of the homes he’s been to, he’s never felt more alone. Maybe it’s because he finally  _ is _ alone. Just like he has always wanted.  _

 

_ As he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep, he thinks about what he’s going to eat tomorrow.  _


	3. Chapter 3

The door to his room slides open, and Keith drags his feet in, exhausted. It’s been another round of looking for Shiro. Another round of dragging Black out into the open void of space and wandering around, floating with no clear aim. Because, really, he has no idea where to even begin looking. They’ve got no leads, but it’s up to him to find Shiro. The team needs him. Keith needs him. 

 

But he’s starting to lose hope. The other paladins have lost that hope already. They are ready to move on. They’re waiting on Keith. 

 

_ Well, tough, _ Keith thinks. He’s not ready to move on. Keith would be a terrible leader. The other paladins even said so. So why are they so intent on him being the leader? 

 

He hasn’t been sleeping well, either. Yellow eyes haunt his dreams and voices of the past linger in the back of his mind. He brushes it all away as soon as he wakes up in the morning, determined and stubborn until the very end.

 

But finally, his efforts pay off. Against all odds, He finds Shiro. 

 

_ Everything will be back to normal _ , is what he thought. He was wrong. 

 

In reality, nothing has changed. Keith is still the leader. He’s still in Black. Lance is still in Red. Allura is still in Blue. Only it’s about ten times more awkward now that he can hear Shiro’s voice in his ear. It’s ironic, because Keith thought Shiro might have supported at least some of his ideas. But Shiro is usually the first one to voice his opposition. Actually, Keith might even say he’s worse off than he was before, and it’s painful to admit that. He’s happy Shiro is back, but now he’s questioning himself more than ever. He can’t trust his own instincts, a feeling that’s foreign to him. He’s normally confident in himself, but he’s way out of his depth now. He’s not sure what his role is supposed to be on the team anymore. Is he supposed to be more like Shiro?

 

Everyone is adapting well to everything: the lion changes, the recent addition of Shiro. It’s just him. He’s the weak link. 

 

Is he going to be left behind? Some days, he can't help but wonder.

 

That’s fine. If he’s going to be rejected anyway, he might as well accept himself for who he really is: a Galra. He has to make himself useful now, especially since he’s merely dead weight on the team now. So he goes to train with the Blade of Marmora. It’s surprisingly easy to slip out. Often times, he can just walk out of a room, and no one will notice. The only time the other paladins notice that he’s gone is when they need him. At least now he has somewhere to belong.

 

The paladins can’t really stop him, either. Or, more like they don't stop him. The most they do is flash him disapproving looks almost every time he enters a room. Keith wonders if that's their way of telling him to leave. The glares he receives are reminiscent of his time in foster homes. They were the glares that told him that he wasn't welcome here, and that he didn’t belong. Keith wonders if that's what the paladins are trying to tell him now. It hurts, yes, but he's been through this before. It's easier if he doesn't think about it. The paladins don't appear to want to broach the subject either. It must be an unspoken thing: ignore the problem and pretend like nothing's wrong.

 

And so time keeps moving. He keeps training with the Blade, and the paladins continue noticing his glaring absence at all of their events. But the more he comes back to the Castle, the more he feels like he doesn’t belong. Keith can stand the harsh looks sent his way. But it’s harder being ignored by everyone. And that’s exactly what happens. Sometimes, when he enters a room, he doesn’t get harsh, angry looks. In fact, he doesn’t get anything at all. No one bothers turning their heads, not even to greet him. It’s as if he’s invisible. And that hurts more than anything else. 

 

The more he spends time with the Blades, the more he feels as if he doesn't belong with the paladins. Maybe if Keith could just pull himself together, be a better teammate, maybe then all of his problems would be solved. If he was just a better person, then maybe none of this would be happening. At the same time, he can't bring himself to stop going on missions with the Blades. It's a cycle that he can't seem to break. 

 

_ Do I want to break it?  _ is the question he doesn’t ask himself. The answer is too painful.

 

Eventually, it all comes to a head. This time, he's not being ignored. Instead, he's being scolded and berated. Glares of disapproval surround him. He can’t shrink back. He can't back down. This is his mess. He has to deal with the consequences. 

 

Then, Keith says that he’s going to leave. He wasn’t exactly planning to do it, contrary to what the team might have thought. It’s a slightly impulsive, reckless move on his part, but it makes the most sense. Lance pointed it out himself. There was one paladin too many. The weak link had to go. Keith wasn’t lying when he said it wasn’t Lance. Because deep down, Keith understood that it had been him all along.

 

Keith explains his reasons for leaving. As he speaks, he can see the looks soften. Now, instead of hatred in their eyes, all he can see is pity, which is almost worse. He wonders briefly if they’ll ask him to stay. But that flare (of hope?) dies when Shiro speaks, practically encouraging him to leave. That opens the door for everyone else to start speaking, filling the room with goodbyes and farewells. Somehow, he’s pulled into a group hug. Keith looks around and gives a smile that’s tinged with both fondness and melancholy. 

 

It’s all so fast, but Keith wants to relish in the moment. Right now, he feels wanted. He almost feels loved. But since no one actually stops him, he knows no one wants him. This has confirmed what he had thought from the start. 

 

He should really stop being so contrary. Does he want to leave or not? Keith thinks he’s figured out the answer, only he doesn’t want to admit it to himself. It doesn’t matter anyway. His feet are already moving out the door. His back is turned to the group. He doesn’t want to know if anyone is watching him. There is a smile still plastered on his face. At this point, it's completely forced. But once he reaches the shadows of the hall, his face drops and the smile falls off his face. 

 

~

 

A thrill of adrenaline shoots through him, but it’s tinged with fear. He hurtles through the expanse of space in his little ship, ignoring Matt, who is currently yelling at him in his ear. He keeps his eyes steady. He can’t afford to mess this up.

 

He has been working with the Blades for some time now. They are nice enough, but none of them are known for talking all that much. Everyone is curt and professional with one another. Before he met the paladins, Keith would have loved that. Now, it takes some time getting used to.

 

Keith knows that he’s lucky that he’s even able to go on Blade missions. Most new recruits have to train for years. But somehow, Kolivan has seen something in him. He supposes that’s a good thing, even if Keith is not quite sure if there is  _ anything _ good in him. Keith is often the weak link in their missions. He’s too hotheaded. Too emotional. He’s just not good enough. They're the same problems he had when he was with Voltron, except here, there’s a higher chance of death, whether that be of himself or someone else. He’s probably only here because he was once a paladin, not because of his actual skills. Keith wants to be able to stand on his own, but it seems he can’t even get by without relying on his former role as a paladin. He hadn’t even been a very good paladin. 

 

Perhaps that feeling of acceptance with the Blades had been a lie all along. A lie he told himself to make himself feel better. Because as he gets closer to the barrier, he knows he understands. He has always justified his actions in his mind. Every time he pushes someone away in his life, he tells himself that it’s because he has to stave of the rejection that he will inevitably receive. But now, he knows that it was never his friends who had abandoned him. It was he who had abandoned them. He doesn't know how or when he had reached this conclusion. Maybe somewhere along the way, or maybe he had known it all along.

 

A bead of sweat trickles down his face. He wants to laugh. Or cry. Whichever comes first.

 

He takes deep breaths to calm the racing of his heart. It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. The paladins are the only thing that matters. His friends are the only thing that matters. It’s like he has tunnel vision. He can’t think about anything anymore. Faintly, he hears Matt calling his name, questioning him almost frantically, but Keith doesn't respond. Matt wouldn’t understand. Keith doesn’t have time to explain himself anymore. 

 

He could never live in a world where his friends are dead because he never tried to help them.

 

His whole life had been one jumbled mess. He has never had a clear purpose or path. But as he clenches the controls in a white-knuckled grip, at least he knows that he’ll never have to be confused again. 

 

_ But _ , he thinks as a lump forms in his throat, he will never see his friends again. He will never see Shiro again. He will never find out what happened to his mother, and he knows something must have happened based on what he saw in the trial.

 

_ Will this work? _

 

_ Am I doing this all for nothing?  _

 

The emotions he had tried so long to stuff down are forcing their way to the surface, threatening to overtake his resolve and his nerve. Panic rises in his chest and fear swirls uncomfortably in his stomach. 

 

Stars blur past him. The lights that had seemed so far away are now rushing to meet him. Eerie yellow melts into a golden orange. It’s too bright. It’s too much. 

 

He closes his eyes the same way he used to as a kid to get rid of the monsters under his bed. 

 

~

 

_ The desert once seemed so colorful and vibrant. Keith remembers a sky that is splashed with the color of forget-me-nots and the blue of the sea in the day, and how in the evening the sky is painted in hues of marigold and cotton candy. The horizon had seemed to stretch for miles, never-ending.  _

 

_ When he stepped out into the sun, he had once felt so tall.  _

 

_ But it’s clear that things have changed. When he does take the time to observe his surroundings in detail, and he does so sparingly now, the landscape seems sucked of color. The world has faded to gray before his very eyes. _

 

_ When Keith looked in the mirror that day, he actually winced. It was as if someone had thumbed dark circles underneath his eyes. His hair was stiff and dull, messy and sticky with sweat. He had also lost some weight. He hadn’t quite lost the muscle mass he had built up over his time at the Garrison, since he was running around everyday, but Keith also knew that he didn’t have enough food to get the nutrients he needed. At first, he had tried to convince himself that his eating habits wouldn’t affect him too much. But while Keith was strong, he wasn’t as strong as he could be. Overall, Keith was looked devoid of color, devoid of life. _

 

_ He swallows uncomfortably. His mouth is dry. He needs water. But he can’t have it. He needs to conserve it. His head pounds. His supplies are dwindling, and so is his money. He can’t keep up this desert hobo act much longer. He’ll have to get a job soon. But he doesn't have any work experience, so no one is going to hire him. He is a dropout. A failure. No one’s going to want him. _

 

_ The air is stifling. It’s humid, and he can barely breathe. He never stops to rest, instead choosing to run himself into the ground. He’ll only stop when he can’t move anymore. A part of him knows this isn’t healthy. But the rest of him doesn’t really care. _

 

_ He gets back to the shack early that evening. Some days he stayed out late in the night and didn’t come back until the morning. He’s feeling especially frustrated today, as he’s made virtually no progress in finding the source of the energy. Walking over to his board, he pins some of the locations he’s searched. He takes small sticky notes and adds some additional notes of his own about the varying strengths of the energy. He sticks each one next to each pin.  _

 

_ He pulls down some maps on his desk. Wearily, he sits down in his chair. He leans over and pores over the maps until it’s dark outside. His eyes burn as he scours the maps for some sort of pattern or clue. He remembers the first few weeks of this, when he had tried to convince himself that he was smart and that he could figure it out. He wasn’t stupid. But the more time he spends on this, the more he’s starting to think that he’s not cut out for this. There are many others that would have found the answer much faster than him.  _

 

_ He stops and runs a hand over his eyes. He looks up and out the window. It is late at night. He’s spent hours on this. He sighs and looks down at the maps. Images swirl and blend together before him. He stands up and tries to ignore the dizziness. He decides to call it a night. _

 

_ He walks into the corner of the room, where his futon is crammed into the corner. The thin mattress groans in protest as he lays upon it. He pulls up the covers and waits for sleep to come. But it doesn't. His eyes are wide open. His ears are hyper aware of every stray sound. That is why it is impossible to miss the eerie howl. Normally, at this point, he would be asleep. Granted, he can’t even get a decent night’s sleep on a good night, but he can at least get himself to  _ fall _ asleep.  This is not one of those nights. This has happened before. Some nights he is forced to lay awake, haunted by the howls and trauma of his past. His heart rate is beginning to speed up. He doesn't want to do this again. _

 

_ He sits up abruptly, determined to do something. His feet creak on the floorboards. Slipping on his shoes, he enters the night. There is a cliff that overlooks the wide expanse of the desert nearby. And that is where he finds a coyote, with it's back turned to him, singing it's chilling songs into the dead of night. Keith gets as close as he dares to it. It hasn't seemed to notice him yet. His hand unconsciously clenches his purple dagger.  _

 

_ The fear fills him with a strange sense of excitement and anticipation. He feels like a kid, giddy and nervous all at once and he's not quite sure why. But Keith thinks that if something's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. He can feel it. And he's usually right when it comes to his instincts.  _

 

_ Suddenly, the coyote glances to the side. It does not stop howling, but Keith knows that it's seen him. But now, Keith feels no fear, just a strange sense of calm. Here they are. A boy and a coyote. Both alone. Both destined to be alone.  _

 

_ Keith turns around and heads back to the shack. _

 


End file.
